1. |
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Do you think I am
In the way that I used to be?
Before I spent my days stress sleeping
And my nights in front of a screen
When I wanted to be awake and
eating at home wasn't the only escape or release
I forget
You didn't know me yet
These people don't care
I shaved off half of my hair
Standing in not my bathroom at not my party I thought they'd have to concede I was there
In the way that I used to be
I coulda been theirs
If they weren't so used to me
I'm afraid I'm here to stay
I'm afraid it'll always be this way
What happens if I can't change
Help me understand
Why she means so much to me
Her looks and her defenses
Delightful and terrifying
Meanwhile my friends are all off kissing drowning higher off the ground then I've been since I arrived in town and I'm still around
A couple of times a week
We cook and talk and eat
Let domesticity
Warm and emasculate the space we conceive
I'm afraid I'm here to stay
I'm afraid it'll always be this way
What happens if I can't change
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2. |
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My open door
Seals me in
To middle age
My new home resembles my first
Suburban, alien
Behind the sliding glass doors
On the path to the guest house
I found her standing
Blood dripping from her blouse
Before I could ask her
what went wrong
She turned to me and said
I hope the baby's alright
I thought I was just a child
Now I'm celebrating ten years married to my lifestyle
(are you taking your sedatives or do i need to be afeared?)
Soon our kids will be running wild then we'll
(or do i need to be afeared)
Take our wealth put it inside them
In the boiler room downstairs
Behind the old desk and chairs
There's a person standing there
Honey are you alright
Inside the screened in porch outside the front door
He sleeps, oh he snores
Not knowing there's a lady driving his brand new matte black Porsche
Is she my wife
(I don’t know what you’re talking about, hun)
am I wearing makeup at the wheel
(I don’t know what you’re talking about)
Am I the provider am I the man here
I thought I was just a child
(are you taking your sedatives or do i need to be afeared?)
Now I'm celebrating ten years married to my lifestyle
(or do i need to be afeared)
Soon our kids will be running wild
We'll take our wealth put it inside
In the panic room hidden in the
Library behind the gold bassoons
There's a person standing there
Honey you've gotta breathe more air
(my center can’t hold my soul so I can’t hold my center)
You're gonna hyperventilate
Stay with me
You're panicking you're panicking again
You're panicking you're panicking again
You're panicking you're panicking again
You're panicking you're panicking again
Stay with me
Stay with me
I wake up in your dorm room
Twenty face down in your bed
There's no home I'm going to
On my own in my head
I'm panicking again
Let’s get you some help, evan
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3. |
i'm not bored i'm scared
03:18
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If I live my life honest
If I live my life ironic
If I leave fingerprints on it
If I disappear
There is no outside
There is no outside
To go
If I leave on weekends
With my camera and three friends
Build a world
Sing on stage wearing makeup and my rage
Like a girl
I'm so scared for what the future brings
I've only ever lived inside someone else's machine
If I can go outside I can do anything I can be anyone nothing and everything
In my dreams I'm naked in the sunlight
I'm more than naked in the sunlight
My body's different when I'm outside
I'm not ready
I know it takes letting go
I know it takes letting go
So I'll stay inside
And I'll play inside
In my inside voice
I'm so scared for what the future brings
If I can go outside I can do anything I can be anyone nothing and everything
One step at a time
You can't be yourself all the time
And you shouldn't have to
Let them hold you in their arms
I'm not safe now
I'm not scared
I'm not safe now
I'm not so scared
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4. |
some guy
03:12
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Oh I am a woman some nights some days
Inside my skin was just a place I would stay
When you see me I do not see myself
When I leave you think you have to call for help call for help
I would tell you if I was lyin I'm not
Things change in the blind spot
I'm caught
between two different things with two different names but they're both the same
I'm not some guy
Remember if I die
I'm not some guy
I'm not some guy
I dream my face comes off
The center of control
Now the air seems so soft
My senses play part of the show
My senses play part of the show
I take it nice and slow
My aches are all low and slow down, slow down
I would tell you if I was lyin I'm not
Things change in the blind spot
I'm caught
between two different things with two different names but they're both the same
I'm not some guy
Remember if I die
I'm not some guy
I'm not some guy
Oh I am a woman some nights some days
Inside my skin was just a place I would stay
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5. |
slow orbit
02:29
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sparkling eye says I'm up to something
Up to something big
How hard I've tried to be trusted company
But nothing I've suggested has hit
I want something to show for it
The slow orbit
Around a bright point in space
Where I can prove I'm worth my weight in literally anything
in an editing bay
I don’t think this is the path for me
sometimes i think indefinitely
sometimes i listed when i speak
and sometimes i just talk to talk
i just walk the walk and then i hit repeat
i didn’t come here for something
i didn’t come here for nothing
i just came and now
everyone stays the same whether i talk to them or not
everything fades away in LA
i don’t think i’m meant to stay
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6. |
listen.
01:02
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You listen good to your son when he's telling the truth
But will you listen to you daughter when she's asking for more from you?
I don't know what it means to want one more than the other
But I am your daughter
My skin glistens curly
hair covered in grease
lip darkened baby bangs
That cost me nothing a piece
helped by cute girls my age
who've been cute girls way longer than me
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7. |
evelyn rose
03:46
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I can't live with the camera on
If I make a film with a message will you respond
Whether I'm a boy or a girl
out of or in your world
Abroad or at home
pearls or garnet stones
you're still my mom
I'm not always gonna know what I want
Some day I'll be too far gone
No longer your science boy with the good girl and resume
and the peers and the I should working not at play and the fear
all of your fears
I know I am a stranger now
This creature is estranged somehow
If only I was strange only in the ways you were prepared to doubt
When I come out
Or if I stay in
Is there a place for him and her in family gatherings
I have memories of her past
She's heard such great things
Allow me to introduce at last
Evelyn
will you let her in
To the family
Well regardless
Love will find you
Love will find me
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8. |
1.7.17
05:50
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9. |
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This doesn't have to be a transaction
Our bodies acting out of compassion
How you listen is the difference between completely right now
And always almost there
It matters how much you care
You don't have to own me
And I don't have to control you
But I can be in control if you want me to
But we'll talk it all the way through
Is what we've made of broken walls
enough to expand our shores
We're creating a life boat
and if we float
taking it over a waterfall
To see what's past the edge
It's the best thing that could happen tear your heart apart and refasten
Submit to the path then after
slip away with the rain and the sound of laughter
what we've made of broken walls
Is enough to expand our shores
We've created a life boat
And we float
over a waterfall
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10. |
some holes are graves
02:36
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Phillipines greece Italy
Camera eye class anxiety
I could be killed in the street
And still they'd turn and blame me
if I brought a knife to a genocide
Or my genitals to feminine life and didn't apologize
Television Internet big screen
Record deal signed and sealed now I'm a celebrity
Wishing the light on me
would protect and enlighten me
but it just
lightens and lightens and lightens me
I'm already white enough
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11. |
dad&mom
02:18
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Wish I didn't feel so bad
Wish I didn't feel your plans on me
I miss you just being my dad&mom
Our mission was to keep what we had & then some
This physical form can't last
You're losing your son
It's time to move on, it's time to move on
Let me go
I don't like this feeling either
Pulling out the knife airing out the ether
These wounds, these wounds hurt
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12. |
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I am beyond you
If you see yellow when you close your eyes
Then you know I'll be all around you even if I die
That's a trick I learned from being in disguise
In the sky
In disguise all the time
If you don't see me now
I am beyond you
If you don't go back
And turn around
I am beyond you
I know you've been
Away for some time
I know you've seen
Lights that aren't mine
Come down
I know that you think
Come down now
Your heart is divine
Or else I'll have to
Separate you from the sunshine
Because all your love is mine
All your love is mine
All your love is mine
My body, my soul, my ancestors
My body, my soul, my ancestors
My body, my soul, my ancestors
Hi
Come with us
Shhhhh
Goodbye hands
Goodbye feet
Goodbye friends
Goodbye streets
Goodbye bodies
Goodbye me
See you on the other side!
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13. |
winter's visitors
01:59
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oooo, sleepy baby
your friends are here to see you
you can rest for a while
you don’t have to smile
K!
we know it’s been hard
it’s really good to see you
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14. |
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Your funeral can't contain you
Your funeral won’t change you
Whole world takes but can't retain you
Transfigures transforms obliterates you
Whole heart aches but does not forsake you
I saw my face in your face but I can’t and won’t replace you
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15. |
thief
03:50
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I imagine myself as you, as you
And in the ways that I can't I still do, I still do
I'm stealing you
I'm still in you
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16. |
rose gold summer 4evelyn
02:35
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There's no way to gauge
The danger of the day
Decide, decide to love me come what may
In June
I'll have my car
Under LA's moon
Lyftin LA's stars
Retreading conversations,
retracing constellations like scars
I love you
I want you
I love you
I need you
Just not so close
Remember if I die
I'm not some guy
Not some guy
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Evelyn Landow Hinsdale, Illinois
musician|filmmaker
she/her
evelynlandow
@gmail.com
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